Happy Birthday, Peaceful Dove

I have a short torso, and when I was pregnant, students asked me if I was having twins because my stomach went straight out. I had to wear maternity clothes starting around 6 weeks.  There was no hiding a pregnancy for me, and I was fine with that. As a result, we told family and friends instantly about our babies because we wanted to celebrate. (This is totally a personal decision, and I am not saying what is the best process for you.) We planned our children, so no one was surprised by this pregnancy #3. Our boys were two and three-years-old at the time. 

Back then, most people didn’t know the gender of their babies. Finding out through ultrasound was not always accurate, and we didn’t want to plan for a certain gender and be surprised by another one at delivery. So, we gave our babies names when they were in my tummy. The first was Gentle Deer. Second, was Sweet Pea, who was followed by Peaceful Dove. Gentle Deer was fourth. Precious was our last child and the only one we didn’t plan for. He or she miscarried within the first five weeks.

I was 10 weeks along in my third pregnancy and feeling great until the ultrasound couldn’t pick up a heartbeat on the outside of my stomach during a routine checkup. I asked Pastor Rick to pray for me. He compassionately did and stated that he wasn’t getting a read from the Lord about this situation. He said if I did lose Peaceful Dove that he knows that Jesus would grieve with me. I didn’t sleep well and was glad when the new week came. I was scheduled for an internal ultrasound with my favorite technician, Richard. He was always cheerful, but I felt a deep heaviness in my heart when he said he couldn’t tell me anything and that I needed to call my doctor.

No, Lord! This is too much! 

I did talk to my doctor and was told the baby had no heartbeat. She said the baby had probably been gone for about a month, but it takes time for the body to figure it out. 

That night I fainted twice, and Kelly took me to the hospital. The doctor there said that my body couldn’t handle the trauma of passing the baby, so I fainted to not be aware of it. As a result, he was able to get the baby with forcepts, and I was spared surgery. They were about to take this precious little one away, but I asked to see my child before it was too late. He or she was about a half inch and sitting in a small sack of fluid. 

It gave me some closure to see our baby, but depression set in. Our three-year-old kept saying he wanted to see Peaceful Dove. Did I forget to mention that we were selling our current house and buying a new one? A couple of days later our dog killed our kitten by playing too rough, and the refrigerator broke. I felt like my name was Job.

I didn’t want to see any pregnant women, especially the young teenager I was counseling at the pregnancy support center where I volunteered. My baby was about two months older than hers. Despite this feeling, I wanted to spend time in worship with God so I went to church a few days later. I knew I would cry, so I didn’t wear any mascara. I was in a depressed mood when I started singing worship songs. But, before I had time to process, I became joyful and had peace. I asked God what was happening. He said the time of mourning was over and that he was giving me His peace that passes understanding as mentioned in Philippians 4:7. From that time on, I was OK. Moments of sadness still came and went quickly. But, I knew that Peaceful Dove was in a better place and spending time with my miscarried brother and all of our loved ones who have gone before.

Three months later we were settled into our new house, and I got pregnant with Gentle Deer. He/she is now 25 years old and has been a huge blessing! We couldn’t imagine life without him. Now we get to enjoy him and look forward to meeting our two miscarried babies in Heaven. What a day of rejoicing that will be!

I’m fondly wearing the necklace my husband gave me 26 years ago that has two charms - a cross and a dove because today is Peaceful Dove’s 26th birthday in Heaven. Technically, he/she went a little earlier than that, but this is the day we celebrate when we knew about it. Happy birthday, sweet child! I can’t wait to meet you face to face and hope you’re planning a big dance party for our reunion.

P.S. The teenage girl I counseled had a wonderful son, who became our son’s friend when they were in the same fourth grade class. I love it when God brings beauty out of the ashes.